My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Going to church you guys need anything
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.