Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Webb. James Webb.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Animal poetry
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?