My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
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i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
The cashier just checked me out.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.