The second world war should have been called world war returns
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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
*ernest hemingway voice*
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie