I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
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Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Favourite diary entry ever
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.