My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
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Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.