Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS