Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*