*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*