I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m sorry…what?
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Fat chances are my favorite chances