Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.