If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me driving through Toronto
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.