your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭