People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
You Might Also Like
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos