If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.