If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.