we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
what’s more important?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
He wanted to make sure😂
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.