ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no