So that’s what we looked like?
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When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.