This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
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The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
NASA has no chill
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day