My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
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i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
War & Peace
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
“our sushi is very fresh”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face