me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December