“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
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Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird