Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Am I having a stroke?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
oh u like geography? name every lake
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking