Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”