Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
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It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Discuss
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
yes… yes…