I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.