Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
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“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Legend 🤣🤣
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice