[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs