if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
are there any atheist mantises?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?