F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Phonetics
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I think I’ll stand
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.