Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
what could possibly go wrong?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.