becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
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My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
The news is so predictable nowadays
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Has there ever been a more American story?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?