if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
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All. The. Damn. Time.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.