How many vultures circling you is good luck?
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Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.