me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
🌱🌱🌱
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means