to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Bloody internet 😳
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
New comic up. “Ransom”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*