Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
What flavor cupcake are these
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.