Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
You Might Also Like
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.