I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.