Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.