My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home