my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
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[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
mmm onion ringos
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Mornin
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls