Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver