Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
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if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending