a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*