wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
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I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.