if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
tinder is all about the long game
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”