*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
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It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…