Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later